Choose Thy Villains
by MA477LL
Summary: Dark Emma turns out not to be exactly what everyone expects.


**Choose Thy Villains**

Summary: Dark Emma turns out not to be exactly what everyone expects.

Pairing: Regina Mills/Emma Swan.

A/N: So this is kind of a quick fix-it for the finale, but not really. Pure silliness. I posted this on AO3 last week and didn't get around to post it here.

xxx

Regina worries.

It is what she does best, really: worry.

Well, she also excels at holding grudges for decades, and at plotting intricate revenges; not to mention at wearing skin-tight leather dresses or at having fantastic hair.

But, yeah, anyway.

She over thinks, and she obsesses, and she worries.

She worries about Henry, and Emma, and that obnoxious no-good Snow White and yes, maybe also about that idiotic Prince Charming. But only a bit. A tiny, tiny bit. So little Regina is sure it does not really count. And what a stupid, entirely inappropriate name. David has all the charm of a shepherd dog. Looks like one, too. She really should have transformed him into one when she cursed them all to Storybrooke.

Still, she hardly eats or sleep or lowers her voice below banshee levels that dreadful first week after Emma disappears leaving the dagger behind.

There is a pressure, an invisible band tightening around her chest and stomach… It reminds her of a feeling that is imprinted into her very soul: the squeeze of Cora's fingers around her heart. Only, this time, it is dull and constant and just there all the time.

She ignores it. She even gets into a couple of arguments with Granny, accusing the old woman of trying to poison her food.

"I am extraordinarily busy at present. I cannot deal with indigestion right now. If you do not cook your foods properly, I will have to report you to the Health and Safety department."

Granny only gives her a knowing look and reaches out to pat her hand.

Regina threatens to remove the offending appendage… at the elbow.

It is, quite possibly, the worst week of Regina's life.

Worse than when Daniel died.

Worse than when her father died.

Regina does not allow herself to consider why. And it soon becomes a moot point, anyway, because Emma reappears at the end of the week.

Then is when Regina starts to get affronted.

Because if she was giving out grades, Dark Emma would get a 'far below expectations,' followed by 'needs to work harder on her darkness,' and 'must stop sticking gum on other people's hair immediately.'

And, is it really a wonder? Regina asks herself after her third glass of cider of the evening.

It is only 5pm, but she feels entirely justified.

If she has to deal with any more complains from Snow about Dark Emma putting glue on the pretty bird nests her grade 10 children decorated… Or one more grumble from Granny about Dark Emma mixing the salt and pepper shakers at the dinner… Or one more wail from that unwashed pirate about Dark Emma swapping his rum for irn-bru. And what in hades is irn bru, anyway… Or one more protest from Belle about Dark Emma changing the order of the books in her library….

"You don't understand, Regina. Once a book is misplaced, it's as good as lost. It may be weeks, months, years even, until it's found again," Belle had been almost in tears as she explained. "Think of all the people that could enjoy that book and that may not be able to find it if it's misplaced."

Regina had felt a tic start beating under her left eye. "Duly noted."

The fact that Regina refrains from cursing any of them is… well, it is clearly a mistake, obviously. But, also, either a sure sign that her days as a villain are well and truly over, or that she is going prematurely senile.

She checks for white hairs every morning. If she gets even one, well, Regina will not be held accountable for her actions.

And she totally should have seen it coming.

Because, as she asks Snow, Charming and Henry in their impromptu Swan-Mills family crisis meeting at Regina's, "is it really so strange that Emma Swan is, in this also, a complete and utter waste of magic?"

"She has a pure heart!" Snow defends.

"She turned my windshield wipers into a rainbow paintbrush," Regina says.

"Well, you two have always been a bit gay," Charming mumbles.

"Emma's the product of true love!" Snow says loudly.

"She attached an airhorn under the seat of my office chair," Regina silences them. "I took a seat across from the FBI agent that you two called in to investigate and it went off." And hadn't that been a fun meeting. Regina fumes as she remembers.

They are all quiet for a minute after that.

If Henry fakes coughing to hide a laughing fit, Regina pretends not to notice.

The truth is, it did not take any of them very long to realise that when it came to Emma, the darkness, as Henry finally puts it with a shrug and a bit of a smile, "didn't really stick."

Regina knows why, of course.

Darkness needs roots. Recesses of the soul where it can fester. And it seems that just like with all things Emma, her soul is pale, blonde and bland, a slippery surface where darkness could not really attach itself properly.

So all it did was turn Emma into an insufferable six year old.

With a crush on Regina Mills.

And that is when Regina says enough and calls the meeting.

"We need to fix this."

Because if any version of Emma is going to crush on her, it should be the real Emma, not this, this… evil child.

It had all became too much when Emma tried to do some magic and ended up burning half of her own hair and crying.

Crying.

The Dark One.

Crying pitifully over her burnt blonde hair.

Apparently, she had wanted shiny hair to impress Regina. Or, at least, that is what Regina got from Dark Emma, in between all the hiccups and sniffing.

She had ended taking Emma to see Dr. Hopper, so that he could calm her down. They had walked side by side, until Emma had reached for Regina's hand, trailing behind her all the way to the doctor's office, her warm hand tightly clasped in Regina's.

Regina had not squeezed Emma's hand.

It had been an involuntary muscle spam.

Just like she had not blushed when Emma had kisser her cheek before entering Dr. Hopper's office.

Dr. Hopper had talked briefly to Regina before going in to his office to deal with Dark Emma.

"What do you mean I can borrow one of your books on breathing exercises? I am here only to accompany Emma."

Dr. Hopper had taken off his glasses and regarded Regina for a moment in silence. "Regina, you may not have realised it, but you're obviously stressed by Dark Emma-",

"She's not dark! She's… she's not even grey! She's ridiculous! She plays idiotic pranks on people! She burnt her beautiful tress-"

She had not allowed herself to end that sentence.

Dr. Hopper had nodded and given her a small smile.

"I'm sure her hair will grow back eventually."

Regina may have slammed the door on her way out.

Useless.

Dr. Hopper is useless. Hence, this emergency meeting.

"I don't know what to do," Snow whimpers, turning to lean more fully into Charming. They are sitting in Regina's study, across from Henry, who still looks more amused that worried.

"Of course you don't," Regina snaps. "Don't be ridiculous. I did not call you here so you could offer any suggestions on how to fix this."

"Then what-"

Regina holds a finger. "Quiet."

She gives each of them a copy of a letter. "I received this yesterday."

Henry frowns. "A lawsuit? From Rumple?"

"He claims that he is the rightful Dark One and he is suing Emma Swan, true love child of Snow White and Price Charming, for identity theft, wrongful impersonation and defamation of character."

"What!" Charming says.

"Emma is doing her best as the Dark One!" Snow adds.

Regina feels a muscle on her cheek start to twitch.

"Rumple wants an election?" Henry asks.

Regina turns towards her son, ignoring the two idiots. "He claims that the people of Strorybrooke should be given the chance to choose their Dark One because, and I quote: it should be the right of the people to choose the villains they fear."

"Well, I think we should give Emma a chance to improve," Snow says. "I'm sure if we help her, she could do better than she's currently doing as the Dark One."

"Mary Margaret," Charming starts.

"Regina, you could teach Emma how to be truly evil, couldn't you?" Snow continues eagerly. "How to curse small children? Turn innocent bystanders into trolls?"

"Grams-," Henry tries.

"I mean, Regina, if you really wanted to help, you could pretend-marry Hood, and let Emma crash your wedding? Threaten to destroy your happiness? Curse your first born-"

"Shut up or I will turn you into a toad." Regina finally says.

She stands and combs her fingers through her hair.

God.

For as many crimes as she committed in her previous life as the Evil Queen, and there had been many; she is certainly paying for them now.

In full.

"Henry, dear. Why don't you explain to your grandparents why it is in everyone's best interest that Emma loses this election? I am going to get dinner started."

She stops by the cider decanter on her way to the kitchen, filling her glass. When she is at the door, she stops again, walks back to the serving table, and grabs the whole bottle, before continuing onto the kitchen.

Paying in full.

xxx

What follows is an exhausting fortnight.

Despite Henry's, Charming's and even Regina's attempts, Snow appoints herself as head of Emma's Darkness campaign.

She goes door-to-door, explaining all the evil things Dark Emma could do for Storybrooke, if she was allowed to retain the title of Dark One.

She makes posters of Emma glaring at kittens, with bright lettering "DARK EMMA FOR D.O."

She also tries to start a few hashtags on twitter, such as #DarkEmmaFTW and #DE4DO, but they all sink spectacularly.

She even runs a daily tumblr blog: "Dark Emma does not pay her taxes," "Dark Emma double parks," "Dark Emma eats the last bear claw." That last one gets 10 notes, most of the from Hook, who is concerned about Emma's butt and demands pictures to assess any recent changes. Snow deletes the tumblr account before Emma can see those.

Still, when it comes to counting the votes, Dark Emma gets precisely five.

Two come from Belle and Emma herself, which, fine.

Two from Snow and Charming, which makes Regina want to throttle them both… even more than usual.

The last one is from Hook, who actually finds all the pranks Dark Emma has been pulling kind of hilarious. Except for the inr bru one? He still does not get that one.

Snow demands an official recount and drags the process for another week, but Rumple is finally declared Elected Dark One of Storybrooke, by an overwhelming 99.7% of the electorate.

The transfer of the darkness is officiated by the Blue fairy. Snow White refuses to attend the ceremony. Regina stays home. When Henry calls her to tell her that the good news it that Emma's name is no longer on the dagger, and the bad news is that now both Emma and Rumple have disappeared, she feels a tension headache start at the base of her skull.

xxx

It takes another week, and Regina should be more surprised than she is when Emma poofs back at 3AM, directly into Regina's bed.

Most of Emma's body weight lands on top of Regina, who had been in the middle of a most pleasing dream about slowly cooking Snow on a cauldron full of garlic.

"Ugh. Emma, you are crushing me."

"Regina! Sorry!"

Regina waits, but Emma does not move.

"Get off me."

"Yeah. Sorry."

Emma rolls away, moving to the other side of the bed, but when she tries to get off the bed, Regina grabs her around the waist and presses herself against Emma, so that they are lying on their sides, their fronts pressed together, from thighs to stomachs to breasts.

It is the most comfortable Regina has ever been on this bed.

On any bed, if she is honest with herself, which she usually is.

Emma shifts minutely against Regina, her arms moving around her, squeezing her gently. Regina is warm and sleepy and smells wonderfully.

"Regina? What happened?"

"Ssssh," Regina whispers and gives Emma a soft kiss, little more than lip over lip. Then, her tongue reaches out to taste Emma's lower lip for a moment, before giving Emma a firmer kiss and pulling back. "I'll explain everything tomorrow. Now, let me sleep. I was having a wonderful dream."

Emma is speechless for a minute.

Then, she smiles, gives Regina a quick kiss and closes her eyes.

 _FIN._


End file.
